"*&^@%$#@@ Reindeer!"

Image Knitting: The bane of a healthy society

As covered in rant one, knitting, if done correctly, can lead to many great inventions and non-chemical hallucinations. There is, however, an insidious attempt from within to undermine this. Pick up any knitting book and you will find patterns to knit images of letters, animals, or even (shudder) complete sentences into your sweaters or hats.

What is the problem, you ask? First, consider what it takes to make an image on a hat. You must consult a book for every single line of the work. You must carefully switch colors when instructed to do so. You must carefully focus on how many stitches you have done, being sure not to talk to those around you, as they are mere distractions. You are no longer freeing your mind; you are no longer entering the transcendental plane; you are just working on getting a DAMN REINDEER ONTO THE SIDE OF A SWEATER!

And for what benefit? So that, years later, gawkers can approach you and ask: "Nice sweater. Is that a cockroach?". That "cockroach" took hours. It robbed your knitting of any spiritual essence. It denuded and profaned the whole act of picking up the needles in the first place. And for what? So your girlfriend can pick up her sweater, on which you toiled for months, only to say "Oh look. Little igloos."