The Y2K/Internet Stock Shakeout is coming, and canned food ain't going to get you anywhere. Embedded computer chips with faulty Y2K logic are everywhere. Every can opener made after 1973. Every corkscrew and piece of flatware made since 1981. What are you going to do, open your cans with a toothpick? Not if it was made after 1986, you're not. Try feeding yourself on January Second, 2000. That's phase One.

The utter failure of household appliances will cause many people to really evaluate their lives, and of course, their stock holdings. People will slowly realize that eBay really isn't more valuable that the entire economy of Portugal, and Amazon doesn't actually have more earning power than France. Internet stocks will crumble, and bring the American information economy with them. That's phase Two.

That's when I spring into action. Having honed my chicken-hunting skills in the wild outback of Silicon Valley, I'll be living high on the hog while David Filo and Bill Gates are trying to figure out how to put on their Y2K-Non-Compliant undies.

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