Grieving at the loss of my son Jos Claerbout This log was private for 25 years. Now open to the public in 2024. --------------------- A half page written 25 years after his death. Is there any purpose for this log? I’ve always been thinking I’ll donate it to someone who studies grief. No one has yet been invited to see it. I read it all for the first time today. 2015: I moved to a retirement home and misplaced this log until 2024. Today in 2024, 25 years after Jos’ death at age 25, with some assistance from a friend at Stanford I recovered this file. Living in a retirement home, the angel of death appears here often, not only to us residents, but also to their family members. Occasionally conversations will stumble into an aspect of Jos’ life. I may say something like “It fits in our conversation now for me to tell you a bit about my lost son Jos. Please don’t feel bad if I tear up while telling you this little story.” “25 years ago we lost him when he was 25. Life did become good again, but never as good as it was.” ---------------------- This begins the log of my grief—------------------------ I do not want to recount of the events and of my feelings on the day of his death. At one time I imagined I could remember all of that day. Now maybe not. I don't want a written diary of it. There are no secrets. It was just too awful. 1st nite, lay in bed but did not sleep. 2nd nite, his brother Andrew slept in our room 3nd nite, Andrew slept in our bed with us. 3rd day, my wife started eating. could not chew. soup and mashed potatoes. 4th day, funeral and burial 5th day, sisters went home 6th day, WebTV farewell with his many friends 7th , i'm glad those Jewish evening sessions are finished. too many people. 8th 9th day, son Martin went home. 9th day, watched TV for one hour in the evening. 11th day, painful struggle while making photo enlargements 14th day, cried loudly at Home Depot getting flower bed materials. 16th day, My son Andrew went home and my wife and I were alone. 18th day, I started reading and writing email. Started announcing the Jos web site. Awake 2-3 hours every night. Spouse talks of "no reason to live". Started typing this diary (above from memory). Month: still cry about two dozen times a day Awake 2-3 hours every night, thinking of all our children, rarely tears Inevitable tears upon getting out of bed. Sometimes sleep thru the night. 6 weeks: "It is six weeks now and I can hardly think of anything but my lost son. (sob.) The tears flow two dozen times a day. I cannot tolerate noises or crowds because they draw my attention away. My last trip to market was too long to avoid the tears. I do not even want the grief to end, or to get on with my life. For the grief to end is for my son to drift further away. I am deeply thankful that my position allows me time to gather many memories of my lost son. It irritates us when people ask how _we_ are. That's not the issue. The issue is our son." Dashed out of supermarket to cry. 40 days have passed. Legal to close his bank acounts, but not yet. We almost never dreamed of Jos at any time. First thought every morning upon awakening is, "Jos is dead. Fear he is dead as he was yesterday. Horror. Dread." Inevitable tears upon getting out of bed. Wife Diane still talks of "no reason to live". My tears may have diminished to about a dozen outbursts per day. Or a dozen and a half. "I could not have written this letter before these six weeks, because my focus on my son preempted thoughts of my own grief." - Cannot speak with cemetery people. Hate them because trucks have driven over the grave. Made a big fuss. Set out stakes and ropes. Had Amos and Francina visit cemetery with me to discuss the quality of aged monuments. Have chosen bronze plaque over stone. NOTE ADDED 8 MONTHS LATER: About this time I started purchasing a bottle of rum every week. About 5 weeks later I quit. 7th week: By unspoken mutual consent, we listened to the morning radio news (one day). At night I find I can imagine Jos is in the house. Andrew goes to Ecuador. Mother goes to cemetery daily. I skip alternate days. 8th week: Mother watches TV in the later evenings. I bicycled to Chevy garage. Then spent a few hours in my office not seeing anyone in particular. Still cry about 18 times a day. I plan to attend two seminars per week. end of two months: Before coming to seminar I cry in my office. After seminar I rush to my office to cry. I stay near my office for an hour or so afterwards. Have done NO RESEARCH at all. We took a half day trip to Half Moon Bay but it was too much for Mother. "It was too white." "These horrible people don't deserve to live." 9th week: I had two days where I cried only about a dozen times. My screaming has become much louder because my voice is strengthening from practice. Sometimes the crying progresses to retching but never vomiting. 10th week: Not always tears immediately upon getting out of bed. I still think of him (and his brothers families) almost all the time. For his website, I fear I already have nearly all the words that I will ever have (sob!) and I am now scanning the less clear pictures. Finally Bill Beaver got the lawyer to move on his bank accounts. We found a quieter place at Half Moon Bay. We cried, but it was good to cry there with sea gulls and fog horn. For the first time we had lunch at a restaurant -- was irritating. 11th week 12th week: Bad days where I felt nauseated. Then today was a "good" day. I managed 1hr-45min at dentist office without tears. Tears poured on the way home. At home I managed one hour to read SEP research report articles and think about what they meant. Finally, I went to Stanford for 2.5 hours, SEP seminar followed by student Friday beer drink. I enjoyed the socialization and held back tears until I got on my bicycle to go home. - Another day where I lost confidence in myself to do simple tasks. - Jos memorial film viewing in SF. We went to a restaurant dinner with two of Jos' friends. Our first restaurant dinner. Hardly ever have I had a dream of Jos. Mornings on awakening, my first thought is always that Jos is dead but now this first thought brings depression, not the fear and horror that it did in the first two months. 3 months [Written later: About this time I began going to University about 4-5 days/week] I had my first stong day. Cried fewer than 12 times. Maybe 8. Went to work from 9:30-4:30. Tried going to work again the next day. Uncomfortable with large groups, even groups of our own students. Went home at noon to be alone and to cry with my wife. - The depth of our grief is unchanged. What has changed is that I am not as single minded as I was. I can take my mind off it for a little longer. Not much though. I still had more tears today than the day my father died. 100 days Upset: I needed to demand that defective video tape copies of Jos tribute be remade. Second batch had problems too. - Thanksgiving day. We avoided invitations. We drove to Half Moon Bay beaches. Sat outside to read. Talked about Jos most the time but not all the time. Cried strongly a few times. Felt good. Were gone 5 hours and we were comfortable. Had coffee in a small restaurant and later a Subway sandwich. Started shopping at Safeway but were not comfortable; abandoned it. 14 weeks I didn't really cry in the morning. I thought I was getting stronger. Then I was not. Maybe this led up to it: A newspaper clipping said that a volcano in Ecuador would close the airport that Andrew was scheduled to return from. I had wanted to do my fall purchase of dried fruits and nuts for AA but suddenly in the "Trader Joe" food market I felt not strong enough to buy, pack, and ship it. I was overcome with grief and had to leave for a while, to scream in the car. 15 weeks We have not had dreams of Jos. Suddenly one morning Diane had a dream of Jos. But it was a horrible dream because he was dead *sob*. The next night I had a dream that I was soliciting testimonials for his life. That's what I do during the day (by building his web site) so it isn't surprising that I dream about it. I need to start preparing for teaching next month. A truck drove over Jos's grave wrecking the flower pot. We complained to the driver, to the foreman, to the manager. 16 weeks I had a day where I went to AGU meeting in San Francisco. Things seemed to go OK. I slept OK too. The following day I was really broken up, cried two dozen times. Most uncharacteristically, I slept from 10:00am to 1:00pm when spouse rousted me. Depression might also have been from Martin&Yasuko's "don't come visit" message. 17 weeks 4 months I left Diane alone for a night while I took my sister to the North Bay. I had a day where I broke down and cried only a couple times. 18 weeks I think I am down to about 8 breakdowns per day. It may sound like I'm getting better, but the depth of despair is as deep as ever. If I have enough privacy, I scream till I am hoarse. 19 weeks I noticed that weeping produces not only tears and runny nose but drooling too. This is not new. Has been going on for some time. 20 weeks A wakeup without tears. I had a fragile work day and then I had a stronger one. No real breakdowns though teary moments several times. Biking home was easy too, except for passing the happy children at Nixon school. In the evening I had a new thought, an epiphany. I was looking at a picture of Jos with my mother when suddenly Jos suddenly became a HAPPY DREAM. He became a _happy dream_! No longer a reality! I cried and cried, shamelessly, morosely, forlornly. Mother goes daily to the cemetery. I do twice a week, about. - Mother made a half-day trip to San Francisco. A first. Our son had a good lady friend who became mayor of Mountain View. We went to her formal installation. Although it seemed like a strong day for mother, that night she wept and wept and felt little purpose in life. We decided that my grief diary would be about me, not her. We got the idea of a $20-50k gift to Mountain View. - I am crying out loud about 6 times a day. Innumerable teary eyes. Decided to stop thinking about Martin and Yasuko's cranky behavior. 21 weeks We went to a movie, the first since he died. Diane went to an evening Yoga class. 22 weeks We went to "Compassionate Friends". I am crying about 6/day. Earlier I thought that grief had these two independent components (1) tears, (2) singlemindedness. Now I believe they might be linked. In the beginning I cried about 24/day and thought about Jos about 90% of the time. Now I cry about 6/day and think about family about 50% of the time. But those percentages are very hard to know how to measure so I think I'll not continue trying to report that. 23 weeks 24 weeks I had one day no breakdown till evening. The definition of breakdown is "crying requiring stopping other activities and including needing to blow nose" Additionally, if privacy, I wail. Next day three before noon. 25 weeks 26 weeks We went to dinner with friends and then to a long movie. I had to cry a little while in the middle of the movie. About half of my days have fewer than six breakdowns. All days have had three or more breakdowns. Most weeks I go to work five days. One day I did a little research building a new illustration. six months I thought I would be able to do his taxes. I worked it thru with several breakdowns. Then had so much computer frustration that I felt the return of "visceral tenderness", a feeling I had in earlier months. A long rainy weekend filled with depression. 27 weeks We had a dinner with two women who had cardiac-dead children. I gave my first lecture based on creative work. I had a dream with Jeremy as a child. 28 weeks I have been spending a significant amount of time at work not working but fixing up the Jos web site. I have days where I do not break down and cry at work although I get teary from time to time. 29 weeks I'm still overwhelmed about 4-6 times a day. When Diane leaves the house, I cry and scream loudly. He jumps into my thoughts maybe a hundred times a day. Damn. Taxes. Damn. The usual frustrations of taxes plus death. It is embarrassing to mention that this year I had an abundance of computer problems related to it all. 30 weeks Went to our second Compassionate Friends meeting. Several people said the second year is worse than the first. I suspect they did not keep a meticulous diary. 31 weeks I got first haircut. Avoided local barber shop where they know me. 32 weeks I don't cry much at work and I have much less difficulty now in groups of people. I cry on my bicycle to and from work. Diane is not doing as well as I am. 33 weeks Sister Lorna came. She and I made an RV trip to Death Valley. I calculated that I think of Jos about 8 times an hour, so for 16 hours that would be 128 times a day. This number is pretty unreliable. It's hard to know how many times my thoughts flit across anything. Actually, it is mostly not Jos I think of but of his death. 35 weeks Andrew came home for two weeks. My screaming voice has gotten a little weaker because I don't scream as much. I don't cry as much either. Maybe breakdowns average only about 4 times a day now. Diane came up with the idea that maybe his college would take over his Culture Wars web site. 36 weeks We went to his college for a reading of the names of those who died. We met two of his friends before and 6 or 7 after. Everything was good until they excused themselves. Then we were alone in his old haunts. I was stable until I dropped the rental car and we sat in the airplane. Then I cried the whole flight back. At home I went to bed at 8:30pm and felt ill of grief the next morning too. We looked critically at gravestones and then I felt I had to go to the office to try to recover my stability. 37 weeks I have been very busy and tears flow less often. I don't think I am breaking down four times each day. I'll need to find some other measure of grief. In previous weeks, I suppose I would think of him 128 times a day which is 8 times an hour. I believe it has dropped to 64 times a day which is 4 times an hour. 38 weeks I had a busy time at the annual meeting of my university industrial sponsors. I succeeded with three technical presentations. For the first time in my life at such sponsor meetings, after the evening meal, I avoided socializing and went to my room. 39 weeks We had a happy weekend visiting the family of one of Jos's friends. On Wednesday we braced ourselves for a visit to the tombstone fabricators in Colma. I had enough of death and grief that day and told Diane that I preferred not to go to the Compassionate Friends meeting that evening. Son Martin is angry at our plan to occupy our Maui condo for some weeks. Says they have been discussing divorce. We feel that we are slowly losing our granddaughter Hanna. 40 weeks Somewhere in here I spent 2.5 weeks in Maui by myself Attempting to deal with son Martin. 49 weeks I cry 3-6 times a day. Two triggers are (1) getting on my bicycle, (2) sitting through a dull lecture. I believe there has been no day without tears, but when the first such day comes, I might not notice. I scream less often than once a week. I never dream about him, but he appears in my mind within minutes after I awake. I figure 4 times an hour, 64 times/day. I go to the cemetery twice a week; Diane goes every day. 50 weeks I made a week-long journey to Calgary without Diane. I thoroughly enjoyed the week but had no fewer tears there than I do at home. 51 weeks I saw his gravestone. I like our design. Naturally I lost composure several times. Cleaned up the emplacement of the stone. In my opinion, they placed it a little too deep and I'll probably pull it up a bit to keep mud off. I'll need to figure out what to say at the unveiling. I know I don't want to talk about my grief. The first thing I do every day is look at the Jos web site. I check how many visitors since the day before. Usually about 30, but I don't know how many of those are robots. Then I open "What's new" which cannot bring me any surprises, because I am the one who writes it. Then I reread recent additions and putter a while. Finally, I realize that there is really little that can be done, and so I move along with my day. 52 weeks 54 weeks I nearly had my first day free of tears. It was a day with no stress where I was home all day. I thought of him a lot. I slept a lot. Only one evening event brought tears. 13 months I was at Andrew's house for a week. On one very quiet day I had no tears. I believe this is the first. 14 months Tears every day, but I am becoming more functional at work. On the days that work pulls at me the hardest are the same days that tears flow the most. Still I believe a day will soon come, or might have already come with no tears. I often scream when his mother is out of the house. I attend to the Jos web site every day although there is little to do there. I try to wiggle a few words out of some friends. I have a harder time estimating how many times a day I think of him. 2-4x per hour? That's 32-64 times a day. On my bicycle journey to school, there are certain locations where he reliably pops into my mind. White Plaza, Brents' house, Nixon playground. 15 months I cannot find anything to do on his memory site. 66 weeks Tears every day, but my glasses seem less tear spotted than they formerly were. Still screaming when I'm alone. He less reliably pops into mind at certain spots on my bike journey. I think of adding a matchmaker section to his web site. 17 months Tears almost every day. I think of him about twice per hour. I've probably had a few days without tears, typically those that I stay home all day. Managed to restore some of his film props. Still have lots I could do, but the important stuff is done. Lunch tomorrow with his friends, Sairam and Jet. 19 months Tears every day (I think). He jumps into my mind every hour. We make progress on the charitable gifts and we see some of his old friends. I find almost nothing to do on the Jos web site although I look every morning at the logs of downloads and visitors. 20 months He jumps into my mind every hour. Tears 2-3 times a day. We are planning his birthday party. I had a good visit to Andrew and the usual shitty visit to Martin. 22 months He jumps into my mind every hour. Tears every day. I still scream when I am alone. I went to a lot of graduation parties and often felt the pain of his absence that I did not mention. We had his trailhead birthday party and everyone was kind. I'll soon be leaving his Mother for the summer. I feel very flat about the trip, although I am intent on going this cross country drive alone. 103 weeks Returned from the long journey. Feelings much the same. Some days stronger than others. On a quiet day where I spend the day reading, the feelings are less overwhelming. On a more active and stressful day, his arrivals are more overwhelming. 26 months Every morning I had been checking his web site to check the number of visitors and what they read. When busy, now I sometimes skip a day. I returned from a weekend geology field trip. I thought often of Jos but tears never spilled down my cheeks. I have been going weekly to the cemetery with Diane. I probably stopped more frequent visits about 2-3 months after he died about when I returned to work. 2 year 3.5 months I suppose I have some days that I don't cry. But if I notice it, I likely soon will. Three times yesterday. Today when I thought of how I disposed of his bicycle tools. I don't remember screaming lately. Whenever I finish the web browser, I return to the Jos page. The slide shows are comforting -- seem to give him a little life. 125 weeks = 2.5 years Nothing changed. Tears most days, screaming a couple times a month. 2 years 6 months I spent two weeks editing family video tape especial Jos tape. He certainly comes vivid when you have his image and voice under keyboard/mouse control. I can do this work without tears. But when the software struggle and stress passes, the relaxation brings the tears. 2 years 9 months Pops into my mind maybe 2-3 times an hour. Tears flow daily but glasses don't often spot. Was happy while his brothers were here on a week family reunion. When I leave my desk, my web browser is almost always left on his page. I got the DVD's made of our Jos/Alaska trip. Mostly sent out now. 2 years 10 months Don't often scream, but had a good one today. Another good scream a week or two later. I get hoarse after a minute of it. 3 years 4 months How many times a day do I think of him? Hard to say, maybe once an hour, maybe twice. How many times do the tears flow? Hard to say, maybe three. I still make a daily check of the accounting on his web page. Almost pointless, but I do it. Occasionally it provides an interesting link for me to visit. 3 years 5 months No change, near daily tears. Some days a couple times. Screaming on the odd Saturday morning when I'm alone. Both at work and at home, whenever I finish the web browser, I return to the Jos page. I check the visitors nearly every day, where did they come from? what pages did they read? 3 years 9 months The tears no longer flow every day -- maybe half the days. They're going strong today though. He just gave $5400 to Pedals for Progress. 4 years Tears about 4 days a week. One big long siege of crying when after seeing two life preservers in the camper then seeing one more in the garage. 4 1/2 years Tears about 4 days a week. 4 1/2 years Same story a month later. At work I no longer habitually return the web browser to the Jos page. I check his web visitors most days, not every day. A new kind of visitor is coming who is not interested in Jos but seeks curious pictures. 5 years + 6 weeks Tears how often? 2-3 times a week. I think of him 15-20 times a day. The web log of his visitors has become broken. I might not pester the students into getting the base logs running. My computer screen at home and work always has his picture. 5 years + 4 months It's a sad fact that Jos's picture now occupies less of my computer screen real estate. In the office a 3x3 picture is always there, but a browser open to his web site is no longer. At home, the screenful of "Standing Jos" pictures tends to come out when I go to bed. 5 years + 5 months I had a good strong scream and wail today. How often do I have these? Maybe once every 2-3 weeks. 6 years + 2 months Speckled up the old eyeglasses today. Had to stop my bike to blow my nose. Triggered when dental office tried to change my appointment from Jos's friend Karen to another. I refused and left. 6 years + 4 months A siege of tears and screaming is not that common any more but I had one today. many events not logged. 8 years + 9 months We talked about moving a bed from our house to possible temporary quarters near Mountain View. Immediately I thought of the last time a bed was moved. Jos's bed, after his death, came home. More tears. More tears. Crying. No screaming. 10 years + 2 months Went to the Memorial Service for his good friend Rosemary who died suddenly and unexpectedly at 46. I had a face full of tears for a good while. Those tears were Jos tears mostly. Rosemary tears some. I was able to maintain my composure while speaking. The computer screen full of standing Jos comes out only occasionally. On my office machine he is the background desktop. Not at home. 10 years + 4 months At home alone and felt like screaming, so I did. 11th year less one day I was alone. I changed a few words in the reading "Message to My Lost Son". But, then you came and then you vanished. I called to you but you gave me no answer. I came to you; and I held you; but you did not breathe. I spoke to you; I cried to you; I warmed your hands and feet, but you did not breathe. That's what actually happened. This is the first time in 11 years I have written it. After that I screamed. Tears rolled. Nose ran. I wrote these few lines in my grief log. 12 years and 3 months We went to the Ronald McDonald house to inspect the astroturf lawn we donated in Jos' memory. They were very pleased by the donation. It enables immune surpressed (transplant) children to play outdoors. Time for a picture. We should smile. Tears came instead. After a minute or two we were able fake smiles for a picture. Life is flat. 13 years and 3 months I saw web pictures of flooding in Venice, forwarded it to my other sons in memory of our family trip there in 1979. Wished I was forwarding to Jos. Not the first time I had that feeling. Tears flowed. And crying. 13 years and 6 months Diane left for 2.5 weeks to Guatemala. I went once to the cemetery to replace and refresh flowers. Had a good long cry as well. 14 years and 7 months My Aire inflatable kayak broke a valve. I guess I'll give it to Lorna's partner. Along with the boat and valve information, I sent a picture of the kayak with Diane and Jos in it. What followed that was lots of crying and screaming. I rarely fire up my computer screen blink-movie of standing Jos photos. 15 years and 6 months Diane took off the wall the 8x10 photos of Jos's fish pictures. We must do this because we are moving to a retirement home. I photographed the pictures to move to a computer. Home alone then I cried, wailing loud, strong, and long. Now I'm going back to cropping and computer installation. —------------------------------------ I moved to a retirement home. I lost track of this grief log for about 10 years. A Stanford friend restored it it to me. Then I wrote the introduction at the beginning.