Why are you complaining? Pomona needs to suck more

The Student Life, Pomona College Friday, April 19, 1996

Students Get Riled about Campus Housing

Why are you complaining?
Pomona needs to suck more


The signs of springtime are all around. Chocolate bunnies in the mail; confusing religious themes in the comic strip "B.C."; students somehow managing to do even less work ... none of these are anything new.

However appropriate the calendar, the true sign of springtime is Nookie. Wherever you look, be it in Marston Quad, Honnold Library, or even the Science buildings after 5 P.M., the signs of Nookie are all around.

For those involved in these nocturnal Nookie undertakings, Spring is a wonderful affair: fresh flowers mix with the scent of abrupt love. For the rest of us, playing "Primal Rage" at the Coop gets old pretty quick.

This is why I am thankful to Pomona's administration. As you are well aware, they have selected this particular week in Spring for students to choose their living arrangements for next semester. There will undoubtedly be an article in the Student Life this week about how poorly the room draw operates; the injustices it breeds; and the superiority of Oldenborg. These articles miss the point. Room draw is not about rooms. It's about Nookie. You know, Nookie: scamming, "doing independent research", messing around, "checking the mail," diddling, "having the Frary Special Dinner", balling, "living in the basement", screwing, "browsing the stacks", sleeping around, "meeting the Dean" ... Nookie.

Perhaps that was too much a jump. Allow me to elaborate. Right behind complaining about room draw, Pomona students can be counted on to lament the lack of a social scene on campus. This is a valid grievance. What students fail to see is that The Administration understands this and has taken subtle steps to improve our social situation. This is why they created room draw.

I didn't leave my room this week. Why? Because I knew that it was the week where students go shopping for housing for next year. Instead of going to the library, class, or even the dining hall, I put my energies into ambiance. I put in a plush green rug; installed mood lighting; and even bought one of those wave machines that make all those relaxing noises. I was ready for the onslaught.

And they came. Like they always do. These innocent pilgrims, sent on a sensual journey by Deanna Chaflant. I was ready for them.

"Hi. I'm looking at rooms for next year and ...?"

"Hello there. Of course you are. You look like a woman who knows what she wants."

"Yes, well, I want a big room ... does this get much sunlight?"

"Just the beams that bounce off your succulent lips."

"Huh. Uh... Is there much noise at night?"

"Depends on my company."

"Really. Uh huh. Huh. Is that uh ... really a waterbed?"

"King Size."

"I see. And .. uhh, mirror on the ceiling?"

"Hate to strain my neck."

"Well, I think I've got a really good feel for it. I'm going to leave now. Right now. Excuse me."

"Sure baby. You know where to find me. Clark-1 129. Palace o' Love"

"I'll remember that. Oh look, the door!"

Like any pursuit, one can hardly expect to be successful the first time around. But that's okay. More women followed her. Sometimes alone, sometimes coming in pairs. All wanting to see my room, asking questions about my massage table, inquiring about the "noise level", wondering if, indeed, that was real velvet. I answered all the questions politely, always trying to change the subject with:

"Perhaps a little neck rub would help you decide."

"No, I just need to look at the room. Does the sunlight in the morning bother you?"

"Why don't you find out for yourself?"

"I'm sorry?"

"What I'm saying, Snookieputz, is that to really get a 'feel' for the room, its best to spend some time in it. You know, get a good sense of the amenities."

"So, should I stop by tomorrow around 7:30?"

"No, honey, I don't think you understand. I don't want to make you get up that early...Why don't we just go over to Mr. Waterbed here and check out my wave machine and .... ow! OUCH!!! Ah jeez, darlin, you didn't have to do that! I had no idea those whistles were so loud! Hey, don't go, I haven't even shown you the fireplace yet!"

I had never met so many women so quickly in all my life. All of them, coming right in, wanting to know all about me and where I lived. All sent by the Office of Campus Life. It wasn't until I had scared one off with my gift certificate to the Toy Box that I finally understood the magic of room draw.

Until my week as failed Cassanova, I had, like any other Pomona student, spent all of my time studying, hissing at any of the College's attempts to get me to meet people. I can't stand big parties and refuse to attend any event that prints flyers ripped from "Details" magazine. It leaves me alone, mostly, contemplating my navel.

While CCLA may be at a lack to break through my social bubble, Deanna Chaflant knew the trick. I would never actually go out to meet women, but if the administration could actually get them to come to me, I might just get in the spirit of springtime.

It's not an uncontroversial proposal, but its levels of elegance have left me awe-struck. Simply put, room draw is the most successful attempt at match-making and socialization yet tried at this school. It leaves the Spring Formal, SYR, and Grooveline all in the dust. It's unfortunate that the school feels the need to throw this bacchanalian spree of canoodling only once a year. Can you imagine how the rates of nookie would skyrocket if we could do room draw twice a year? Three times? I envision a wonderful future for Pomona; a future of sensually satiated students, their nookie needs wonderfully cared for by the Office of Campus Life several times a year. The next time you and your current cuddlywink pass by that office in Sumner, stop by and say thanks. They'll know what you're talking about.

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