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"I've got a lot of broccoli and Diet Pepsi to atone for. On 'Fat Lady Cooks the Classics', they shoot me mostly from the neck up, so I can pretend to be fat, but I think the audience is wisening up. Once they realize I'm far short of 200 pounds, yet claim to make a fine Lobster and Mayonnaise, my ratings are going to plunge. It's hard to compete with those two Brits on the Food Network.

It's not just for credibility, either, that I need to gain the weight. I think I'll be happier, quite honestly. All the time I was growing up, all the boys just passed me by; I simply wasn't plump enough. All the cool girls were around 210, 220, no matter how many bon-bons I pounded down, I couldn't get my darn frame over 125!

That's really the impetus behind 'Fat Lady'. I don't want little girls to suffer like I did. Instead of having to hunt down high-fat Hershey's bars and hamburgers, today's regretful waif need only tune in for my "Tri-Tip Fondue, Cheese-Injected Sausage Casserole, or Nine-Cheese Ten-Egg Lasagna". It's a step in the right direction.

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