Jos wrote this Buffy script.

Jos Claerbout wrote this Buffy script.

Popster converted to HTML but did not proof read it.

SCENE

Principal Snyder is walking very briskly down the hall toward his office. He is curt in his greetings to his peers, even to his secretary. The moment his office door is closed behind him, Snyder begins frantically cleaning his desk. It is a mess, and he is hurriedly doing his best to make it right. While he is brushing some of this debris into his drawers, he notices a little figurine that he hadnít noticed before. It is a little Cupid holding a "You can do it!" sign. He puzzles at it for a moment, leaves it on its place in the desk and resumes cleaning up the office. The intercom buzzes.

SECRETARYíS VOICE

Principal Snyder? The mayor is here for your 9:00 meeting. Shall I send him in?

PRINCIPAL

Of course Alice, send him right in. (Snyder quickly takes his seat behind the desk and rises to shake the mayorís hand when the door opens.)

PRINCIPAL

Mayor Thomas. It truly is an honor.

MAYOR

Principal Snyder. Itís always an honor to sit with a man of learning. (the two sit)

MAYOR

So, quite a fine institution, Sunnydale High. How are the students doing these days?

SNYDER

Well theyíre little hell raisers to be quite frank with you (Snyderís joke bombs and the Mayor cocks his eyebrow) I mean, we have a few trouble makers here and there (the mayor stares at Snyder blankly) ... Weíre doing fine.

MAYOR

Good, good! Thatís what I like to hear. Reading, writing, running, whatever it is these kids do, Iím sure itís just great.

MAYOR

Snyder, I donít want to waste your time. The state aptitude tests are coming up in a few weeks, and I think we all know how important that is.

SNYDER

Yes sir. Just like you send in the election, education should come first. Teacher and students working together, we can achieve ...

MAYOR

Yes, yes, thatís all fine. But can you think of any other reasons why these tests are important? the voters put me in office because they thought I would do something about the schools. Now Snyder, Iím happy to let you do ... whatever it is you do here, for as long as you do it. I really donít care. But if Sunnydale High scores poorly on these exams, I think the voters of this fine city might start wondering about the fellow they put in the top office.

SNYDER

Yes sir, they just might.

MAYOR

But we donít want that, do we? We want these voters to be happy. I do, and you do. In fact, you especially do.

SNYDER

Why is that, sir?

MAYOR

Well, if the voters arenít happy, the voters are going to want change. And Iíll have to give it to them. Now, I canít change the students, can I?

SNYDER

No sir.

MAYOR

So I suppose that will leave me with the administration. And I have a pretty good idea of where I would start. Am I making myself clear?

SNYDER

yes sir. Completely.

MAYOR

Thatís what I thought. I just wanted to make sure that we understood each other before these exams took place, all right? with that, the Mayor gets up to leave. When he reaches the door, Snyder lets out one last comment

SNYDER

We wonít let you down, sir. Go Sunnydale! (the moment the door closes behind the mayor, Snyder collapses into his seat, and starts mumbling into his hands.)

SNYDER

We practically failed the test last year! Thereís no way that we can pass this year ... all I want is to have us pass this exam. Is that really so much to ask? Uíd do anything to have Sunnydale High pass this exam CUPIDíS VOICE Anything?

SCENE

Buffy etc are discussing the upcoming exam. Willow is getting excited, Buffy is not looking forward to it. Some funny things are said.

SCENE- SNYDERíS OFFICE

(Snyder is sitting at his desk, his head slumped into his hands. If it wasnít for his different suit, we wouldnít know that it was a different day. the door opens slightly.

SNYDER

Alice, I told you that I wasnít ready for ... (the man standing in the doorway is tall and muscular. His hair, jet black, perfectly falls across his forehead. He looks utterly natural in his suit, as few others would)

PRINCE

Youíre going to be fired.

SNYDER

Huh? Who are you and what ...

PRINCE

Youíre going to fired up by the time I leave this office. My name is Mister Prince. All of the teachers call me a prince after I leave the campus, so I think itís a fitting name. Iíll say it again. Youíve got to be fired up if you want your students to be fired up. You can all perform together. Iíve got to be honest with you. Your kids here, at Sunnydale, theyíre not inspired, theyíre not motivated. Why is that?

SNYDER

Iím uh, not sure.

PRINCE

Because they donít have anyone to motivate them. Take your coffee mug here. Is it moving? Is it going anywhere?

SNYDER

No. Itís my coffee mug.

PRINCE

Exactly . Now itís on the floor. How did it get there? I pushed it. All it needed was a little push. All itís life, that little mug was carried from here, and carried to there. Some days you would fill it up, and some days, Iím just guessing here, you wouldnít fill it up at all. it would just sit right there on the desk. Am I right here?

SNYDER

Uhhhh..

PRINCE

Exactly. But I walk in, and suddenly that mug is going places. How far is your desk off the floor? Three feet? Well look, that mug just traveled, by itself, three whole feet. What was the farthest it had ever traveled in the past? Exactly. It had never done anything, just sat there on the desk. Waiting for you to take it somewhere. Your students, Principal Snyder, are just like that. Theyíre little mugs of coffee just sitting on desks. Theyíll go to classes in=f you tell them. Theyíll take tests if you tell them. But if you want them to perform, you have to motivate them. You know what they need? They need a little push. Are you giving them that push? Are the teachers giving them that push? Are their parents giving them that little push? the answer is no. If it were yes, you wouldnít have let me get this far. You would have kicked me out of your office. But you didnít. Why? Because you need someone who can give your kids a little nudge. A push in the right direction.

SNYDER

So what are you saying?

PRINCE

Iíll tell you the same thing that Iíve told hundreds of principals over the years. I want your kids to succeed. Thereís a very important test coming up soon, and you want your kids to do well on it, am I right here?

SNYDER

Yes, itís in just a few weeks. They have to perform well.

PRINCE

Then weíre on the same side here. I want your kids to do well, you want them to do well. You let me come and speak to the kids a few times, and Iíll tell you this: theyíll do well.

SNYDER

You ... seem pretty confident.

PRINCE

Iíd be a fool not to be. Five high schools, in this county alone, have seen their scores nearly double simply because of a a few simple talks I had with the kids.

SNYDER

Double! Thatís almost impossible!

PRINCE

Well, if you doubt me, letís call those schools right now. Pick up the phone, dial the school of your choice, and tell them that you donít believe the things that Mr. Prince is saying. Theyíll call you a fool, but I donít want to stop you from making that call. Please, if you doubt my claims, by all means, get on the phone. Iíll even help you dial. Where should we start? I want you to make the call.

SNYDER

I didnít say I didnít believe you.

PRINCE

And there it is! Right there! You canít decide one way or another! How do you expect your students to follow your leadership if there is no leadership at all?

SNYDER

Their scores will double?

PRINCE

No problem.

SCENE - LIBRARY AFTER SCHOOL

WILLOW

So thereís really three branches of government: the executive, the legislative, and the ...

OZ

Lobbyists?

WILLOW

No, the judicial! Didnít you do any of the reading?

OZ

I did, but it all gets jumbled up. three brances of this, special powers of that, secret sauce over here, twenty five percent discount over there ... I just canít manage to keep it all straight.

WILLOW

But you know that this is an important test coming up, right?

OZ

Just because itís amazing, doesnít mean I wonít turn it into another spectacular failure.

WILLOW

So what happened? You were an honors student last year. Even Miss Simmons liked you.

OZ

Miss Simmons had her own problems. Letís see, why am I not doing well in school. What I tell my parents? That iím having a real hard time with my music and classes at the same time. What Iíll tell you? It has a little to do with becoming a werewolf, living over a Hellmouth, and being totally sprung for a girl not even phased by any of it.

WILLOW

Iím phased.

OZ

Be serious. If half of what I hear about Buffyís true, you guys have saved this school a dozen times. Life and death Willow. Military leaders go through lifetimes of training and still canít cope with the decisions they sometimes make, or the things they see. And yet you are unaffected.

WILLOW

Well, my destiny is not as clear as B

WHERE IS THIS SCENE GOING?

SCENE - DILAPIDATED HOUSE

(we see Mr. Prince enter a run-down house and the camera tracks him from the rear as he makes his way to the basement. As he does, he takes off his clothing, piece by piece. By the time that he has made it to the basement, he is nearly naked, his darkened body muscular, and covered in boils. He kneels down and smoke surrounds him.)

VOICE

Did I not tell you that he would be easily convinced?

PRINCE

You were right master.

VOICE

And when do you begin?

PRINCE

Tomorrow will be the first.

VOICE

You shall not fail. Repeat it.

SCENE

Buffy, Cordelia, Xander and Willow are walking on the school grounds.

WILLOW

So, are you guys excited about the aptitude tests next month? I think Iím really going to improve over my score last year.

BUFFY

Is there still time to get a dress, or do you think the stores are all closed?

CORDELIA

Oh not again. Saturday morning is all about beauty sleep. Get me out of bed to take some exam, and my biorythms will be screwed for weeks!

XANDER

Not to mention the trauma of the students who have to see you without your usual three hours of makeup application.

CORDELIA

Well, perhaps if it wasnít always getting messed up ...

BUFFY

So, has Sunnydale lived down our reputation from least year?

WILLOW

No, I think theyíre still calling Stupiddale High. Sure hope I donít have to put that on a College application.

XANDER

I donít know about you two, but Iím optimistic. What between vampire and ghoul attacks last year, I think weíve cast off a lot of dead weight. Youíre looking at a leaner, meander Sunnydale High.

BUFFY

Iím sure if I play my cards right, I can let my ex-boyfriend kill the other half of the school as well.

XANDER

I didnít mean it like that.

GILES

You know, I had almost forgotten what I liked most about working in the library.

WILLOW

Whatís that?

GILES

Solitude. I just got out of a staff meeting, and Principal Snyder certainly seems to have ... to have ...

BUFFY

A bug up his butt?

GILES

Yes, well, we was rather anxious about our performance this year in the aptitude exams. Apparently our statewide placement last year of last place didnít go over well with some people.

XANDER

But this is a really smart state! You throw our stats in there with Guam, and, well, lets just say we hold our own pretty well.

GILES

Actually Xander, I saw the scores, and Iím not so sure thatís true. Anyway, Snyder made clear that all staff are to take extra time with the students to help them with their schoolwork.

BUFFY

Or what? You have to stay for detention?

GILES

No. We get fired.

SCENE - INSIDE SCHOOL AUDITORIUM

(Prince is standing in front of all of the students, exuding confidence. The students continue their chatter for some time, until he stares long into the throng. The students rapidly quiet down.)

PRINCE

So last night, I ran into my old friend, Principal Snyder. It was pitch black outside, and he was under this streetlamp, on his hands and knees, rooting around in the dirt. I asked him, "what are you looking for?" "My wristwatch", he responded. So, being a helpful guy, I get down there with him, to help him look for the watch. There we are, in the middle of th night, rummaging around this streetlight, looking for his watch. Finally, after about ten minutes, I donít think that weíre going to find it. I turn to him and say, "So Principal Snyder, where did you lose this watch?" "Oh, about forty feet over there" he responds. "So why are we looking under this lamp" I ask. "Because the lighting's better," he responds. Think about that for a moment. How many of you do that every day? How many of you want to achieve something, but then go ahead and take the easy way out? How about a show of hands? (a few hands go up) Alright, we have three honest people in the audience. Let me ask another question then. Who is doing absolutely everything that they can to achieve their goals in life? No hands go up. So youíre all liars then. If youíre/ not doing everything that you could to achieve your goals, then youíre taking the easy way out. You know where that gets you in life? (Prince points out the janitor) There! You will become failures. You will spend your life cleaning up after others. (Prince stares directly at the janitor) Is that any way to live?

JANITOR

Uhhhh ... no.

PRINCE

And do you consider yourself a failure??

JANITOR

Uhhh... yes, yes I do sir.

PRINCE

You hear that? A failure! the most courageous thing this man has ever done is to admit that. Do you all want to be failures? I said, do you all want to be failures?

CROWD

No!

PRINCE

Well, then we need to learn about what it takes to be a failure. Or rather, what it doesnít take. Concentration and focus. If you can focus on what you want to achieve, nothing can stop you. Nothing at all. Just sometimes you need a little help. thatís what I would like to demonstrate to you today. Weíre going to learn how to focus. For this, I need a little help from the audience. Now, what weíre going to do here is come up with some nonsense phrase, something that doesnít mean anything at all. And when you say this phrase, youíre going to concentrate on it. And if you can focus on this phrase, you can focus on your work. So, letís make that phrase right now, shall we? (prince points at one of the students in the audience, stares at him intently) Give me a word.

STUDENT

Klandu

PRINCE

Good! Another! (points at another student)

STUDENT #2

Mala.

PRINCE

Another!

STUDENT #3

Kala.

PRINCE

Another!

STUDENT #4

Kahn.

PRINCE

You all see how easy that was? We just came up with a nice little phrase. Helps us all focus. Letís just say those words together, why donít we? How did they go? Ah yes, Klandu Mala Kala Kahn. Just roll off my tongue, really, Now you try it. (the crowd is silent)

PRINCE

Do you want to be failures? Do you want to clean toilets?

BUFFY

Nothing like taking time off classes to get yelled at by some fascist with housework issues.

XANDER

Do you think we get to go marching after this?

CORDELIA

I hope not. I donít want to get blisters.

XANDER

Fear is for the weak! you will be a failure! You will all fail! (the four of them start to laugh. Prince, who had been talking through all of this, stops cold. He stares at Buffy et al, then stares at Snyder. Snyder immediately hops up, walks briskly over to the four.)

SNYDER

You four. Youíre out of here. You march straight back to class right now. Stay there until your teacher dismisses you. (the four of them clamber out of the bleachers and file past Prince, who ignores all of them but Buffy, who he regards with contemptuous curiosity)

SCENE - LIBRARY

BUFFY

Giles, this guy was like Mayor of Creeptown. We were just making a little joke.

GILES

I can understand how you thought it would be funny, Buffy, but I think thatís part of the problem.

BUFFY

What problem?

GILES

How Iíve been training you. Due to your age and ... circumstances, you canít be treated as the other slayers have. Iíve put far too few restrictions on your personal and academic conduct. I think itís time I started.

BUFFY

Iím getting grounded?

GILES

I didnít say that. I just feel that Iíve let you ... skate by in your schoolwork. As an educator, I should be more diligent in making sure you receive an education.

BUFFY

So you want me to spend less time training to kill vampires so that I can read some chemistry? And this would be good for the world how? So I can bore the vampires to death?

GILES

Itís more than that, Buffy. Itís personal control. You lack it. You may have though it was funny getting thrown out of that speech, but it show a little immaturity that I find deeply disturbing. I think it points to a large gap in your training. 3:00.

BUFFY

3:00 what? Thatís when you stop trying to be my father?

GILES

3:00 is when youíre going to show up every Friday from now until this exam. Principal Snyder has asked that I tutor you.

SCENE - BUFFY ET AL TALKING

BUFFY

It was like, Paternal Giles. "I know whatís best for you Giles"

WILLOW

Thereís a lot of pressure on him right now. This test is a pretty big deal. I was doing some research at the library, and apparently this test is a pretty serious thing. They use it to determine teacher benefits, and school funding and stuff.

BUFFY

So the schools that do poorly get money taken away from them?

CORDELIA

Why reward stupidity? I think they should take all the pencils away from whichever school does the worst. that way theyíll know to do better the next year. (a moment of silence)

XANDER

Willowís right Buff. Itís not like Giles gets some stipend for being the watcher, or something. he has to make his way in this world just like you do. We do poorly on this exam, he gets fired, weíre holding our little vampire meetings in the 7-11 down the street.

WILLOW

I bet Giles would make a great Slushie.

XANDER

Do you mean, like, heíd physically become a great slushie?

BUFFY

All right already. you donít have to flog me with guilt here. Iíll humor Giles, if thatís what he needs. But Iím doing this for him; not for Snyder.

SCENE

Buffy is sitting in her history class, looking somewhat anxious.

TEACHER

Alright class, please put your books away. The state test is now two weeks away, and Principal Snyder has asked that we all do our part to prepare. The subject is general knowledge. The teacher begins to hand out tests. As soon is she is given hers, Buffy begins to work on it but quickly becomes distracted by a student next to her, who is visibly nervous. From his distracted glances around the room, it is clear that he doesnít know what to put on the paper. As his silent pleas become more desperate, a friend leans over from the next row.

FRIEND

Remember, Jonathan - focus. The disturbed student, hearing this advice, calms down noticeably. He takes one or two deep breaths, then begins to chant under his breath.

JONATHAN

Klandu Mala Kala Kahn Ö Klandu Mala Kala Kahn Ö Klandu Mala Kala Kahn Ö Klandu Mala Kala KaÖ The last syllable catches in the throat of the student. Instantly, he becomes transformed. No longer nervous, he is now focused entirely on his work. He turns the pencil to paper and finishes the exam in a matter of seconds. He gets up from his desk, brings the paper to the front, and exits the class. Buffy gets a good look at his desk; it is marred by several large drops of blood.

SCENE

GILES

Now Buffy, Iídonít want to be responsible for you not having gotten a good education. That goes for all of you. the principal has asked that since you are being excluded from the talks that I give you some informal instruction after school. So where would you you all like to start? The a wars? Differential calculus? Do we need to brush up on some Latin?

CORDELIA

Hello Brainiac! Public school kids here.

XANDER

I think whatís Cordeliaís trying to say is that you might be shooting a little high there big guy.

CORDELIA

At least we could start with books or something.

XANDER

How about a short lecture on Dick, Jane, and the dog?

GILES

I find your nihilism neither entertaining or "cool" as you would say. I think that while the forces of evil are at a temporary ebb is an excellent time to polish our intellectual rigor.

XANDER

"Strike with math", I always say.

BUFFY

And how do we know that evil is ebbing? What if itís Ö flowing?

SCENE - EXT SCHOOL CLASSROOM

A STUDENT is slumped against the outside wall of his classroom. He is holding a handkerchief to his face. As the rest of class files past, a female student stops to speak with him.

TEACHER

Ray, that was amazing! That was the most incredible presentation Iíve ever seen!

RAY

(muffled) Thanks.

TEACHER

You really had me for a moment there. I was worried that you hadnít done any preparation, like last time. But then, just like a light, you turned yourself on. Just electric! Are you sure that youíre going to be all right?

RAY

Oh, I get these all the time. The teacher stands back up and walks off. Ray removes the handkerchief from his nose, from which blood flows liberally.

SCENE - inside school auditorium

PRINCE

So I heard that youíve all had a pretty successful week, is that right? The crowd hoots and hollers.

PRINCE

I heard that test scores have never been higher! More hooting and hollering.

PRINCE

Iíve heard that a school that finished dead last in last years State Aptitude tests is looking to give a shot at the top spot next week! The crowd applauds enthusiastically.

PRINCE

Those sure arenít the students that I met a few weeks ago. Those sure arenít the same students sitting in this auditorium. Those sure arenít the failures that I was told about. And how did you do it? Focus. Youíve got to remember to always stay focused on what you want. I heard that those nonsense words we came up with last week really helped you guys. What do you say that we come up with some more? You there. Why donít you start this time?

STUDENT

Glantok

PRINCE

Excellent. Another!

STUDENT #2

Forshei

PRINCE

Another!

STUDENT #3

Stansin

PRINCE

Another!

STUDENT #4

Mahn. Mr. Prince is quite energized by this exercise, and stands proudly before the students.

PRINCE

Yes. Yes. That was an excellent selection of words. Glantok Forshei Stansin Mon. Yes. (rapidly, pointing at a student in the crowd) But we havenít forgotten last weekís words, have we? The student, seemingly irrelevant to her will, rises from her seat and blurts out the phrase.

STUDENT

Klandu Mala Kala Kahn! With a whimper, she collapses back into the audience.

PRINCE

Excellent. We now have two phrases to help us focus. And two phrases, as Iím sure you math whizzes must know, are surely better than one. Will you fail?

CROWD

No!

PRINCE

Again! Will you fail?

CROWD

No!

PRINCE

We shall not know failure.

SCENE

GILES

So, Iíve thought about it, and I think that I may have come on a little bit strong at our last meeting. Iíd like to try something a little bit different this time - verb forms. I understand that theyíre quite the thing to study these days.

BUFFY

Giles, I think your issue of Cosmo for Librarians was a little bit off on the latest fashion. Look, just chill, okay? I know youíve got the major job anxiety, but weíre going to do fine.

XANDER

Yeah, look. Cordie and I have worked out an elaborate system of sign language. Watch. What does this mean? Xander pulls up at his eyes and spreads his mouth wide.

CORDELIA

That Iíve got to start looking now if Iím going to find a date for prom?

WILLOW

Giles, itís okay. Iíve been tutoring Oz on some of the things from the book, and heís been doing real well. Willow hands a paper to Giles.

GILES

He got a 70%! Giles looks puzzled.

WILLOW

Itís an improvement.

GILES

Ah. The camera takes an over-the-shoulder look at the paper that Giles is holding. There is a bloody marred smear in the lower right of the page.

SCENE

PRINCE

Tomorrow! Tomorrow is the day! Tomorrow this school is launched from the depths of obscurity to the height of greatness! How will you do it?

CROWD

Focus!

PRINCE

Precisely. And to help you focus, Iíve come up with an idea. The exam is at 9:00 AM tomorrow. You know where to be then. But where are you going to be at midnight tonight?

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Sleeping?

PRINCE

You will not sleep! You will be here. Because tonight at Midnight, there is going to be a pep rally. The final rally.

SNYDER

Donít you mean the final rally before the test?

PRINCE

No. The final rally. Here (looks at his watch) in nine hours.

SCENE

Buffy, Willow, Cordelia, Xander and Oz are all sitting in the library.

BUFFY

Giles, itís almost 12:00! I think weíve had enough learning for one night.

GILES

Donít be foolish. Why, weíve just touched Chemistry and Physics, and Iíve got a whole section here on antedeluvian history and Middle English.

BUFFY

Okay, I should rephrase that. Itís 12:00. Iíve had enough go over my head for one night.

WILLOW

Itís not so bad Giles. Oz and I have been doing well. Watch. Ask him a question.

GILES

All right. Letís see. 1066, British Isles. What happened. Oz is silent. He appears deep in thought. His lips begin to move. His concentration becomes even more intense

XANDER

Be careful there buddy, you might Ö Suddenly, blood shoots out of Ozís nose and covers the table.

XANDER

Ö break something.

WILLOW

Oh God. Oz, are you okay? Giles steps in to offer his handkerchief.

GILES

It seems to have stopped just as quickly as it started. Here, hold this to it.

CORDELIA

Um, excuse me? Projectile nose vomiting? Mr. Teacher, I think itís one of those signs that your students are ready to go home.

XANDER

One of the top five, for sure.

BUFFY

Oz, has that sort of thing ever happened before?

OZ

Just over the last few weeks. Itís funny, it just seems to happen when Ö Norman Conquest by the way Ö when I do the chant.

BUFFY

The chant?

OZ

Well, when you little terrorists got yourselves thrown out of our weekly pep rallies, you missed the little chants that weíve been learning. Theyíre supposed to help us focus.

CORDELIA

Focused your nose, at least.

OZ

Yeah, itís pretty effective. Thereís three parts to it; I only know the first two.

BUFFY

When were you planning on picking up the last line of this little ditty?

OZ

Actually, it looks like Iím going to miss it. Theyíre having a final rally in the gym right now. This is the one where Mr. Prince promised to give us the last piece.

GILES

Oh dear. A pep rally at midnight? Then itís starting to come together. Didnít it strike you as somewhat odd, that the school would be sponsoring a pep rally at midnight the night before the qualifying exam?

XANDER

Heís a werewolf, Giles. There are a lot of things that donít strike him as odd.

OZ

Whoís talking, fish-head?

XANDER

Okay, wolfie, you want to get personal?

OZ

Look, hyena-breath. Iím just trying to get some studying done here.

WILLOW

Could you two just cut it out? A lot of strange things have happened to all of us. We shouldnít make fun of each other Xander looks to the moon and howls. Oz makes like heís a fish.

GILES

If you gentlemen are finished, Oz, could you tell me a little bit about this chant?

OZ

Letís see .. thereís "Klandu Mala Kala Kahn", then "Glantok Forshei Stansin Mon".

BUFFY

Repeat until bloody?

GILES

Oh dear God. You were right Buffy.

BUFFY

Anti-school paranoia comes from behind to take the prize. And what have we won, Giles?

GILES

That chant is very familiar. Itís ancient Norse. (Giles begins fumbling for books) yes, yes, oh dear.

BUFFY

What oh dearí?

GILES

Itís a divine incantation of Bodily manifestation.

XANDER

Thank you for clearing that one up there Webster.

GILES

In the lore of the Celts, a dispossed god could find reincarnation through an earthly body; but only through a formal recitation of the Chant of the Thousand Innocents. Held on the last Friday of the lunar phase, the chant must be delivered by a thousand people innocent of its true intent. Upon the completion of the ritual, they shall be swallowed whole into the realm from which the ancient god attempts escape. (Giles looks up) Oz, could you please say those words again?

OZ

Klandu Mala Kala Kahn;

GILES

Straight through me the beast shall run;

OZ

Glantok Forshei Stansin Mon.

GILES

By His deed it will be done.

BUFFY

Whatís the last line?

GILES

Plankot bantu klemnok sun.

BUFFY

And that would meanÖ

GILES

He is me and Ö we are one. Buffy quickly grabs her bag and bolts for the door. After a vain attempt to stop her, Giles returns to reading from the book.

GILES

Ö And the last thing needed by the chant of the thousand innocents is the one

WILLOW

the one?

GILES

the one who is to be sacrificed. The whole room looks in disbelief at the door which Buffy just ran out of.

GILES

I really must work on my timing here.

SCENE - INT AUDITORIUM

Principal Snyder is at the doors of the auditorium, ushering students in.

SNYDER

Nine-hundred-ninety-seven, Nine-hundred-ninety-eight, Nine-hundred-ninety-nine, one thousand. After ushering in the 1000th student, Snyder blocks any more from entry.

SNYDER

No no, thatís quite enough. Thank you. Good luck on the exam tomorrow. Good night!

Snyder slams the door on those trying to get in. Once it is shut, he begins wrapping chain around the door handles so that no one else can get in. When he turns around, Mr. Prince already has the festivities well underway. He is standing in the middle of the gym, dead center between the two sets of bleachers.

PRINCE

Welcome to the new beginning! Whoís ready for the final part of the chant? The crowd hoots and hollers.

PRINCE

You know what? You guys are doing so well that I bet I donít even need to tell you. I bet you can get it on your own. Letís have a little friendly competition, why donít we? First, Iíd like to hear from this side of the room.

LEFT SIDE OF GYM

Klandu mala kana kahn;

PRINCE

Good! Now this side!

RIGHT SIDE OF GYM

Straight through me the beast shall run;

PRINCE

Now, back to the other side!

LEFT SIDE OF GYM

Glantok forshei stansin mon;

PRINCE

You!

RIGHT SIDE OF GYM

By His deed it will be done;

PRINCE

Back again!

LEFT SIDE OF GYM

Plankot bantu klemnok sun.

PRINCE

And what do we say?

RIGHT SIDE OF GYM

He is me and we are one.

PRINCE

Altogether now! The two sides of the gym begin the chant in the two languages simultaneously. They are slow and methodical in their rhythm. As the force of the chant grows, some students collapse in the stands. Others spontaneously begin bleeding. As the chant grows ever louder, an altar is lowered, on ropes, from the ceiling. The chant continues as the altar falls into place in the middle of the gym, and continues through the exhortations of Mr. Prince. Mr. Prince has now dramatically grown in size. He has ripped through his suit, and his head has spouted horns.

PRINCE

You can feel it now, canít you! Feel it surge through you! If it hurts, itís only because youíre not really focusing. Feel the beast. Become the beast! Principal Snyder, watching the organized chaos in the gym, is pleased.

SNYDER

Now this is school spirit.

PRINCE

There is only one thing the beast wants. With a loud crash, Buffy breaks through the gymnasium doors and assumes her usual fighting stance. Instead of being shocked, Mr. Prince appears that he was expecting her.

PRINCE

A vessel. Taken by surprise at Mr. Princeís new physique, Buffy is quickly is grabbed and hurled onto the altar in the middle of the gym. Effortlessly, Mr. Prince binds her to the cold stone slab and raises a menacing blade.

SNYDER

Just look at them all. Together. Simply amazing.

PRINCE

And now Master, as we plunge ever deeper into this midnight hour, I call up to the heavens through the voices of innocents that you may once again walk this earth. Through the focus of my blade, through the heart of this girl, we shall not fail. I command you to rise, Master, and claim those who belong to you! Just as he is raising the blade to destroy Buffy, his concentration is thrown off by Xander and Cordelia, who appear by the open gym doors. The crowd continues its chant unabated. Buffy is clearly helpless, and Xander has no idea what to do. Cordelia, after a momentís thought, runs to the right side of the gym.

CORDELIA

S-U-C-C-E-S-S; That is how I spell success; Sunnydale High is the best! After a moment, Cordelia tries again.

CORDELIA

S-U-C-C-E-S-S; That is how I spell success; Sunnydale High is the best! This time, after she stops, it is evident that this side of the gym is no longer chanting in unison. In fact, some of them have stopped altogether. Cordelia repeats her chant again, and several student join her. One more time, and she has the entire right side of the gym chanting her cheer. She looks back at Xander.

CORDELIA

Well? A little help here? Xander runs to the left side of the gym, but isnít quite sure what to do. He pauses for a minute, then breaks into the Macarena.

XANDER

Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena; Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria y cosa buena; Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena;

Hey Macarena;

After failing to catch them the first time, Xander repeats again, this time with a little dance. Soon, the entire left side of the gym is singing along with him in Spanish.

During this time, Buffy has been loosening her straps, and Mr. Prince has been diminishing in size. She frees herself, and the two get in a brief scuffle. Mr. Prince is quickly brought to his knees. Buffy pauses for a moment and then delivers a powerful kick to Mr. Princeís chin, who collapses to the floor.

BUFFY

Know failure.

return to the Life of Jos